What do you do when you have exhausted all your tools and are consistently being drawn into the same energetics with the same people? The process is completely draining and feels like 2 hamsters on a single hamster wheel but both fighting to go in different directions. One gets momentum and the other tumbles back, only to come back with a vengeance and trips up the other one. The cycle continues with both coming back stronger only to be hit harder than the last time. It only stops when one of them can’t physically fight anymore. Or maybe when one CHOOSES not to fight anymore. Sounds easy enough but how many times have you consciously made a choice to change only to find yourself making the same choices (maybe in different ways) and having the same experiences? I hate this place!!! And I love this place. Surely I MUST love the toxic dynamics to a certain degree if I continue to play the same games? But I am tired now…and perhaps a little wiser over the years. My list is complete: affirmations – check; prayer – check; send light – check; Ho opono pono healing – check; cut the cords – check; read more spiritual books – check; meditate – check; past-life regression – check check check!!! Still not much change when faced directly with the same person in new circumstances. But I think I am finally on to something…you can have a detailed checklist that focuses on the problem itself, but it seems more likely to me now that if that’s all I focus on, it doesn’t really extinguish the issue, but perhaps even brings more of it. My prayers, affirmations, reading on relationship dynamics – they were being done out of fear – to be powerful, to stand up for myself, to release myself of these dynamics, and never to be victim again! But my checklist has clearly missed the mark – how can I (ME) change MY behaviour / thoughts / emotions to manifest only peace within myself, regardless of what is happening outside of me in a away that focuses only on LOVE? Hmmm…If i really put myself first, if I really LOVED MYSELF completely, I would see that engaging in abusive energetics when I have the power to STOP just by STOPPING, I take my power back and show myself the love and compassion my body, mind, and soul deserve. By fighting to be right, I am giving my power away. By engaging in numerous spiteful emails back and forth a hundred times, I am giving my power away. By engaging in judgment and name calling, I am giving my power away. Even if it’s in the face of defending my children. How about I choose to engage in disengaging – is that even a thing? Doesn’t matter. I’m stopping now. It doesn’t matter how many prayers I say or how many spiritual books I read or how much “clearing” I do – although these are important too. If I don’t love myself enough to keep away from toxicity – who will love me enough to do just that? It’s not about taking the high road. It’s not about stepping away in silence and secretly hoping karma bites him in the ass. It’s the road even less travelled – it’s being in the driver’s seat, knowing where I am headed, and consciously veering around all the bumps and obstacles along the way – this is the path of least resistance. It seems logical to me that I would be much happier driving around a boulder than trying to smash through it – regardless if the thought of pummelling it with a big ass tank would give me a brief moment of pleasure. Sure I might be able to do it, (and feel a little satisfied in the moment) but what about the waste of energy and the wear and tear on all parts of me (and my car) when I can so easily swing right or left and continue ahead to where I want to be? It doesn’t mean that I’m rolling over and playing dead. If anything, by taking the path of least resistance, I’m giving myself more life – not death. And in the end, that’s what matters. I choose life. I choose me. So I’m choosing the road even less travelled. This seems easy…but putting myself first truly isn’t. It’s a new habit. And a change in habit takes time and much effort. So wish me luck – please.
In love and light,